remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
