you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
