shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
