Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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