Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
