You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
