Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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