the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
