whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
