Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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