my phone needs a breathalizer
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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