I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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