Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
