you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
