can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
