He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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