Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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