would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i wish my penis had a tongue
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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