were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
