I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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