How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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