Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
