1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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