I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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