did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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