I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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