I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
