Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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