So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
