we have officially lost it.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
BRING THE BAGELS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
