Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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