Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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