U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i think i have two assholes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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