I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
