sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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