right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
