Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
