his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
