i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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