Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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