Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
