I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
FUCK WHALES
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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