I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
