just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
