i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
