He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
