Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
