i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
