I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
