That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
