I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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